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Alicia
Carol Thomas Sister
to: Daughter
of:
We were living in Wake Forest, N. C. Our oldest daughter was 4 yrs old and such a joy to us. We had lost a child by miscarriage in 1973. I felt lost, and had so many questions. I believed young children who died went to heaven, but what about the ones who never had a chance to be born? I questioned everyone but always felt they told me the unborn babies went to heaven because they knew that is what I wanted to hear. A few ministers were honest and said they had never thought about it. This was around the time of Roe Vs. Wade. And I wanted to know my baby was in heaven, not just considered an embryo by God. Late in 1973 I found out I was pregnant again. I was fearful yet happy. In some ways the timing was not the best. My husband was in grad school and I was working 2 jobs just to keep shelter and food for our small family, but I was so happy. Everything about my pregnancy was wonderful. I had no morning sickness, mine and the baby’s health was good. Being told I had an incompetent cervix, I was worried when the 7th month arrived but we sailed through it and the 8th month while I felt clumsy I rejoiced that I seemed to be able to carry this baby full term. I had a doctor’s appointment on May 10th; we were going every week now, the week before there was no sign yet of baby coming in any hurry. The baby was due May 12th. I went to the doctor’s office in high spirits expecting to stop at the office where I worked as a site office secretary. The doctor came in and took one glance and started asking me why I hadn't called and gone to the hospital. I was in labor! I had dilated to 5 centimeters and didn't even feel the first contraction. I called my husband and told him I would pick him up, I needed to stop at the bank and then the store to pick up a few things. We arrived at the hospital 2 hours later with the doctor yelling at me for taking so long. Alicia was born 2 hours later full of life and healthy. She nursed that night taking the nipple with no problems. She had long silver hair, beautiful long fingers, and bright blue eyes. The nurses and doctors all said she as born smiling because every time she woke up she smiled. Being a proud mother and the weather being nice I took her everywhere. We went to the school my husband was attending. Classmates and professors all feel in love with that smile. I took her to the family doctor for her first shots and she smiled when she gave it to her. I took her to the tasty freeze I had worked for the first 6 months of my pregnancy, and she won over the hardened sailor who was my boss there. Everyone who saw her said she was truly an angel from God with that wonderful smile. Little did we know just how true those words were. On July 10th I got up to go to work. I was running late but I had fed Alicia at 3am and played with her for about an hour, so I rushed and got dressed. Usually I'd go into the nursery and kiss Rosa and Alicia good morning and leave for the day, but that morning I was rushing and ran out the door. I got to my car and just couldn't leave till I went back to kiss my babies. I went into their room and kissed Rosa first then turned to the crib. Alicia was lying just as I had laid her down at 4am. A terror fell on me and I knew she was dead before I ever touched her. I turned her over and for a min. I thought someone had played a cruel joke on me. This wasn't my baby. This baby's face was blue and splotchy. This baby was cold and there was no smile. And then I screamed. I don't know how long I screamed or how I got downstairs to the neighbors to call the doctor. I don't remember a lot of the next few days because the doctor kept me pretty drugged up. I don't remember what anyone said except for one friend who just held me and told me they loved me and Alicia and it was okay to cry and be angry with God. Then I realized I was angry! I had been given a beautiful healthy baby just to have her taken away. I wanted my baby; I was a good mother. Why did God allow this to happen to me? So many women had children and didn't want them so why did God take my baby? I don't remember much of the funeral or the few days after. I had to return to work the following week to close out because the work was finished. I sat in my office and cried. I told God I didn't want to believe in him anymore. I didn't think he loved me and if he did he had a sorry way of showing it. Then I did something I had never done before. I demanded that if God loved me he show me, and I wanted to be shown now not next week or next mo or next year I wanted to know it now. There was a knock on my door; an inspector for the apartments the company had built was there for a final inspection. With tears streaming down my face I told him to give me a few minutes and I would walk him down to the construction superintendent. Then this stranger put his arms around me and gently whispered Alicia is with God now safe and happy. She wants you to know God loves you too and one day you will be with her again. I don't know how this man knew my baby's name or how he knew what to say to me, but with all my heart I believe God sent him to me. This week Alicia would be 28 yrs old not a day has gone by I haven't thought of her. I've never 'gotten over' her death but I have learned to cope. Alicia now has a brother who was born the following year and another sister who was born in 79. She is not forgotten and lives in each of us in our memories or in her sisters an brothers minds the stories of how she smiled. Her father and I are now divorced, but we both have missed her and grieve in our own ways still. Alicia ~ One day soon I'll hold you in my arms again and kiss your cheek and see your smile, Love Mommy
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